Broken POD, separated PEAS

Friends walk in and out of your life.
There are some friends whom you wish to keep but somehow feelings may not be reciprocal.
There are some friends whom you wish you could forget, but they have managed to leave behind memories that tend to haunt you.

I firmly believe that friendship is equivalent to a relationship minus the physical intimacy, commitment and expectations. Like all other relationships, it needs nurture and commitment albeit in terms of fidelity to one another.

So when does a friendship- relationship burn out?
Is it when one stop contacting the other or sharing an activity together?

I am no expert or guru to advise on how one can keep a relationship. However, I aim to share a story with you.

I had a childhood friend once, we were neighbours, we attended the same school, shared the same classroom and had strikingly similar interests. We will make sure that we spend one weekend with each other. Despite having different faiths, our friendship was intact because when it comes to such topic, we make no comments with regards to each others' believe and this common understanding lasted.

We were like peas in a pod. Inseparable until you break the pod.

The cracking of the pod began in high school when we were put into different class. We had excuse not to meet up on weekends because our interests were influenced with our new found friends in the class. Nevertheless, we still pursued our friendship with much enthusiasm because our biggest common interest- computer games were the glue to the pod.

As we progressed in school, and time has started to become a rare commodity instead of a resource, dedicating a weekend together for computer games or cycling around the neighbourhood seems to be difficult as we have to fit in these activities in our hectic schedule.

The crack was visible. The pods were uneasy but both knew that someday, it will happen. Neither took initiative to hold the pod together.

The pod was broken when we pursued tertiary education. The peas, needless to say parted ways and was geographically separated. The peas with their new found friends were happy and content. The childhood endeavour remain as a fragment of sweet memories in the "growing up" phase of life.

Growing old and mature does take a toll on our childhood memories and the childhood memories of the peas were slowly eroding with time. Given sufficient time, sweet memories became blur and finally may only evoke some thoughts but not emotion.

The peas knew that they had to salvage whatever is left of the pod. Perhaps find ways to mend it. The challenges they faced were immense, not only are they geographically separated , their pursue in life is different. One in underwriting insurance contracts; where the value of life is measurable in dollars and cents and the other in the field of medicine where value of life is Death Itself.

The frequency of contact dwindled from everyday, when they were 10 years of age to once a quarter in their 20’s and none towards 30’s.
The peas contacted each other ONLY during special occasions i.e National Celebration, birthday, promotion, or other common friends’ wedding / their special occasions ( i.e. newborn etc).

One fateful year, in their late 20s the pea who has been trying hard to salvage the pod decided to NOT make initiatives to call the other pea during special occasions; instead this pea thought that keeping silence was a way to test the other pea’s commitment towards their pod. True enough, the other pea did not seem to mind at all and silence was what they experienced. Years passed, and this lingered.

The situation has now transformed into a game of keeping silence, with the rule that which ever pea starts communication should be deemed the lose. One pea is too jaded to make calls and the other simply did not bother.

After all, to some who is fond to say “absence makes the heart grow fonder” I would say in this case its a classic “out of sight- out of mind”

So what happened to a 20 year old relationship ? What will become of these “poor” peas without a pod? Certainly one pea craved and longed for the pod they used to share. After all, its beyond the computer games or cycling, it’s the intimacy of thoughts that were shared. It’s the emotional support /guidance one obtained from the other and vice versa.

Very often this pea felt guilty that perhaps he should have give in. After all, it was he who has stopped taking the initiative. Perhaps, he should have stopped the seasonal communication and made it a weekly affair despite finding a lot of difficulties to keep the conversation going.


Keeping the conversation going was what tire this pea out, he has attempted numerously to bring in a topic of interest but somehow the other pea gave lukewarm response. The other pea, obviously has a different taste of hobbies now.

What came as the rudest shock was the news of the other pea getting married. The news came from other friends and not his pea friend. This pea was obviously flustered with anger and disappointment. He thought that the rules of the silent game was meant to be broken especially when it comes to marriage which is deemed the TOP NEWS !

This pea felt that the sharing of their pod meant nothing. All these years of friendship, with their share of “growing pains” with emotional roller-coaster experiences and both academic & social interests seemed like a vivid dream . Indeed, now its just a dream, never able to be relived again.

This pea now has to make a decision, to congratulate the other pea and subject the other pea to immense guilt with his action. On hind thoughts, perhaps the other pea is no longer capable of feeling guilty. After all the other pea does not owe this pea anything let alone guild or remorse.

*After much procrastination, this pea decided to be “the loser” and made a call to the other pea. The other pea was ecstatic to hear from this pea. They started with serious conversation and gradually moved on to their life and adding references of past events. Their monotonous conversation broke out with laughter and giggles with every mention of the glorious past. The call was great, much more than he has anticipated for.
(That should be how a heart warming, politically correct story should end. However, this was not the outcome.)

*After much procrastination, this pea decided to be “the loser” and made a call to the other pea. The other pea answered the call with cold and short answers. This pea felt lost, he needed a beacon in his conversation, he moved the topic to the other peas’ wedding and expected an invitation to attend. To his surprise, the other pea informed this pea, that all is well and he is now a married man. In fact he is expecting to be a father soon. This pea was flabbergasted and felt tongue tied, he knew not how to continue the conversation except for the generic pleasantries “GREAT NEWS” & “CONGRATULATIONS”

This pea felt that he could have called earlier, perhaps he should have taken action much earlier. He should not be calculative and be particular over who should call first. Zooming back in time, perhaps all is not lost- pod is not lost – if this pea gave more initiatives to mend the pod !

The 2 endings highlighted the possibility of different outcomes, similarly no matter what this pea does or did, the outcome could be positive or negative- pod stays intact or shattered into pieces too fragmented to be glued black.

No matter what the outcome could be, it will definitely require 2 parties to work, after all friendship is a relationship. It requires input , output and maintenance.

As for this pea, he has learn a lesson, mend the pod before it breaks..

Achieving Ecstacy

Someone once asked me a simple yet difficult to answer question.
"Are you happy ?"

I immediately replied the question with yet another question.

What are you refering to? My current state? Financial/ social status?

She simply smiled and then repeated her question stressing on the word "YOU"
Well, to answer that question.. I guess I lost more than my brain cells..I lost track of myself.

I was enveloped in immediate despair as I tried to think about all my current status, be it social , financial, family, love etc..
At that point of time my brain was too busy processing that I lost track of time.

The minute of silence from me seemed to make my friend bathe in pride because she had found a simple question that made me struggled for an answer because to her I seem to have every answer to her inquisitive challenges.

She seemed to be enjoying herself watching me suffer the mental block
Every second that pass seemed like an eternity as I still fought to keep track of my mental process.

I replied , " Well I am content but not exactly happy"

Her sheepish smile returned and said," So , when will you ever be happy ?"

"Achieveing my goals in my life"

At that instant I realised that I am the master of my goals since I set them therefore I should be the master of my destiny because I make choices to fulfil the goals or decide to change them.

If this holds true, then its perfectly logical to be content with life and BE HAPPY.. but why do I feel empty..as I seek to find happiness ?

One simple question and I am beleaguered with many more unexplainable questions.
I should be content and happy but yet why am I Not?
How can I then shape goals to make happiness?
Failing which ..How do I pretend to be happy ?
Is there such thing as happiness?

I took the question as my research assignment topic and where better to seek answers than to seek spiritual guidance.



From the word of GOD,
Even in laughter the heart is sad, and the end of joy is grief (Proverbs 14:13; RSV).
The more we "expand our consciousness" of reality, the more we experience sorrow.

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow (Ecclesiastes 1:18; KJV).
Yet there is some value in sorrow. It tends to make us more serious, and life is best taken seriously. The wise do not let themselves forget that sorrow is a natural part of this life, and every man's earthly happiness ends in the tragedy of death.

It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart. Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth (Ecclesiastes 7:2-4; KJV).

Feelings of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, are used to promote wisdom and to encourage righteous living. Justly applied, they can be powerful and effective sources of feedback regarding the consequences of actions. But justice does not always prevail in this life, and sometimes the consequences of actions seem to reward sin and punish godliness, thus encouraging more evil.

But shoudl we feel..that if I am not too sad today compared to yesterday,I should be happier than yesterday. Sounds logical, but what is TRUE HAPPINESS ?

I proceeded to seek some wise advice from a great being who was one of us, who shared the same fate as us on this earth, someone who dedicated the rest of his life to live in improvished condition to seek answers to hapiness. About 2500 years ago, Siddhartha Gautama discovered how to bring happiness into the world.
(To learn more: http://online.sfsu.edu/~rone/Buddhism/footsteps.htm)

In his teachings ; Dhamma, Siddharta once emphasised that happiness can be achieved if you practice buddhism and its way of life following the noble eightfold paths and three jewels.


"There is happiness in life, happiness in friendship, happiness of a family, happiness in a healthy body and mind, ...but when one loses them, there is suffering." Dhammapada
(To learn more http://www.buddhanet.net/dhammapada/d_happy.htm)

It seems so simplistic like the question that started this whole blog... it makes perfect sense that our life is govern by many external factors and family, frienship our state of well being (physical and mental) contributes to our contentment and hence hapiness.

I have yet to master his teachings let alone practice it, however like many chinese scholar who has said and meant .. "A journey of a thousand miles begin with the first step."

I intend to learn more and perhaps the TRUTH is out there. Perhaps the TRUTH is in Dhammapada.

Whatever the TRUTH may be I intend to seek it..but in the meantime, I will try to be happy or very least be content with what I have for now.

Intro

Dantien

Conventional
Physical Definition: The point of balance, one's center point
Scientific Definition: Center of gravity
Alternate Definition:
Martial & Spiritual Definition: The center where ki energy is generated or dissipitated
Physical Location: 1 inch below navel at the torso

Alternative
Mental Definition: Thought generating center
Physical Location: Brain; Hippocampus

When one is evoked by provocative thoughts, one tends to seek an answer or resolve in an action. With the ability to analyse facts and applying knowlege, one can provide an explanation or resolution.